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Well now what.

January 4th, 2012 · No Comments

So – I was wrong.  It’s January 4th, and I’m still pregnant.

And fucking miserable. I’m seriously beside myself with anguish.  This has been a hard pregnancy for me – with nausea in the beginning and insomnia from about half the pregnancy on.  For example, I am now up – after 2 hours of laying in bed, from 2:30 am to 4:30 am, writing in my journal.  I don’t know what else to do.  I have tried everything to get this labor going, but somewhere, somehow, something is not yet ready.  Is it me?  Can it be me?

It doesn’t help that I’ve had 2 pretty severe rounds of sickness in the past 2 weeks.  One case of the croup/flu thing that knocked me out with 102 fever in bed for a few days, and one violent round of food poisoning.  Thanks, Ruby Tuesday – I will never eat at you again.

I have to go into work in about three hours.  That also doesn’t help.  There is nothing – short of maybe another round of food poisoning – that I would like to do less than go into work. I am sitting here praying, hoping, drinking tea that somehow, miraculously I will go into labor in the next hour to prevent having to do this. I took today as a sick day – because I was still recuperating from food poisoning.  But, I don’t have the same weight on that excuse today – well over it.  I could take another floating holiday “just because,” perhaps?  But I don’t know.  Maybe I am being too hard on myself?  I’m trying to be responsible here but I don’t know maybe Aaron is right and I’m just being pig-headed.

I’m also not supposed to take a longer leave than 6 weeks.  There is just so much pressure from all sides.  Maybe that’s why I can’t relax and have this baby.  First there was pressure to avoid delivery in 2011.  Now, pressure to hurry up and deliver before my mom leaves town, before I get sick again, before I have to go back to work, before I go STARK RAVING MAD.  Because I am having to go to the bathroom every 15 minutes, now also having to go to the midwife 2xs a week for fetal monitoring.

Dear body.  Dear baby.  Dear God.  Dear whoever, whatever is holding up this process.  Please, please, please just let go.  Let go and let me go into labor.  Let it be clear, obvious labor, and let it please begin in the next hour or so.  Let me not have to get on that train downtown – nervous that I am going to begin labor far from home, or distracted, bored and dying to just meet this child.  I’m not even scared of labor anymore – I know it’s going to hurt.  I know it’s going to be hard.  I just want it to happen.  I’m desperate.

I’m not even that overdue – a mere 2 days. I feel like – I’m really being ungraceful about this.  Maybe I would feel more charitable if I were able to get 2 good nights of sleep in a row. Between the peeing continuously and the restlessness, though, I’m just flat done.  I can’t go on like this.  No wonder I am getting sick – I can’t even sleep.

I just need to somehow let go.  I need to stop incessantly nattering over when this is going to happen.  It’s going to happen whenever.  And soon, very, very soon, I am going to look back and I won’t even remember how miserable it was to wait (unless I read this entry, of course!)  I will have a wonderful, sweet child, who will fill my life with joy as much as the first one has.  I will repeat this to myself until I get the message through.  Soon – I will have a wonderful, sweet child that will fill my life with wonder, and no amount of waiting or unpleasantry before the child arrives will change that.  I will soon – very soon – get to know whether this baby is a boy or a girl, whether she or he has hair, is a good nurser, is quiet or noisy, is tiny, or large, or active or inactive.  Whether Ari enjoys being a big sister, whether she minds if it’s a brother or sister, whether she does a good job of holding the baby, whether she minds that it doesn’t giggle over peek-a-boo right away… the whole works.

Soon.  Soon I will know these things.  Until that soon comes, there is absolutely no point in rushing the process.  Nor – really – is that in my control.  I’ve tried everything under the sun in my control to speed things, and it absolutely has not worked, so.  I might as well resign myself to how much I am not in charge, here.

Baby.  I look forward to meeting you.  Please come on out as soon as you feel ready, because you are loved, and anxiously awaited.  I love you.

Love,

Hannah

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